Pity Those Poor Portland Fans

Folks in Soccer City, USA have been suffering all spring and summer, as their beloved Portland Timbers inability to put the ball in the net has caused the Timbers to tumble to a disappointing 9th place in the USL-1 table. Doing the Timbers in has been an offense so impotent that even eunuchs in a harem have to haved scored more.

Watching last night’s 1-0 Seattle victory in the last-ever Sounders-Timbers scrap in USL-1 — Portland needs to get an MLS expansion team in the next round of expansion — I literally felt like covering my eyes whenever the Timbers went on the attack because they were so hopeless and so ugly at the same time. I don’t even know how to describe the Timbers approach (or lack thereof) to going on the attack. It seemed like Portland’s offensive reportoire consisted of little other than hopeful long balls to lumbering strikers. Clearly, Timbers coach Gavin Wilkinson, a former New Zealand international, has spent too much time watching the Premiership.

With a paltry 17 goals in 22 games, the Timbers are the lowest-scoring team in USL. No surprise that the Timbers are struggling. When you have win games, well, less than zero to zero, that’s just not going to get it done.

I don’t know enough about the Timbers to analyze their roster and speculate on how Wilkinson should be using people. But I do know enough about their fans to say that they deserve better than to have a team that’s completely inept on offense.

At least the Timbers Army still has Timber Joe: